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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

The truth is more important than the facts.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

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The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

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Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

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Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

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When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

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Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

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A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

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Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

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Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

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If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

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The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

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The truth is more important than the facts.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

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If you are going through hell, keep going.

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Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

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It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

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Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?